Lessons in French


Xena as Xena/Callisto/Fuu

Gabrielle as Gabrielle/Velasca/Umi

Ephiny as Ephiny/Alti/Hokaru

NOTE: The following pages are an argument/discussion that took place in French class recently(you may notice the title.) I go by Gabrielle, another Xenite goes by Xena, and a non-Xenite friend goes by Ephiny. Enjoy!


Disclaimers: First things first. Obviously, the characters of Xena, Gabrielle, Ephiny, Ares, and anyone else mentioned in this "story" do not belong to me (as much as me wish Ares did…) They belong to Renaissance Pictures and Studios USA. Me takes no credit for them. The story, however, is ours. While we do use some of the backstory from X:WP and there may even be a few episodes emntioned, this is a completely original (we hope) work of fan fiction. Some profanity. Absolutely no subtext, no sex of any kind (though some is implied) between anybody. Some violence is considered, but none actually takes place. So if you are looking for an action packed piece with lots of blood and death, this is not the story you want. But if you want something very different, pretty funny and completely pointless, this is it!

Please keep in mind that the people arguing in the following pages are not the Xena, Gabrielle and Ephiny as we know them on X:WP. Now, on to the story!

Gabrielle: Xena, Ephiny, I have something to tell you both.

Xena: If you’re gay, then I’m moving to Alaska while you stay here.

Ephiny: Eww! Gabrielle, I knew something was up when you married Ares.

Gabrielle: At least I’m not in love with Xena’s horse!

Ephiny: You didn’t tell me Argo was a girl. And you’re not denying that you aren’t straight.

Xena: You’re both wrong! Gabby’s gonna run off with Argo and get married in Hawaii!

Gabrielle: First of all, Hawaii is not even discovered yet! Secondly, Argo and I do not even get along. Third, Ephiny, I am straight. I married Perdicas (Callisto offed him, thankfully) and now I am married to Ares! And even though you did not know that Argo is a girl, you still fell in love with a horse and married a Centaur!

Xena: Bravo, Gabby. You handled that well. I have a secret too. Guess what it is, and no, it has nothing to do with my sexuality!

Gabrielle: Please don’t tell me that you have another child that I don’t know about. What do you think, Eph?

Ephiny: Probably, knowing how she sleeps with everyone.

Xena: Nope! And Ephiny, you’re just jealous because I get more men than you that are in my species!

Gabrielle: That was mean! And Ephiny says what?

Ephiny: Ephiny says that men just pull you down when you’re going off to war. They’re wimpy. And I do go outside my species because you can use them for more than just pleasure.

Gabrielle: Well, maybe.

Xena: Okay… moving on. What were you going to say Gabby?

Gabrielle: About what?

Xena: You said you had something to tell us.

Gabrielle: Oh, right! Well, seeing as Ares, my new husband, is God of War, he has decided to make me Gabrielle: Goddess of War, Wife of Ares. Yet another title to add to my extensive collection.

Ephiny: And we would care… why?

Xena: Why would he do that? Your marriage isn’t even legal!

Gabrielle: The God of War doesn’t care about legal. You should know that, Miss Destroyer of Nations warlord-who-slept-with-every-soldier-in-her-army, regardless of age, race, gender, or species!

Xena: In case you forgot, Ares had the hots for me for a lot longer than than you!

Gabrielle: Yes, but he married me! He doesn’t want you anymore! And he would have wanted me, had he known me!

Ephiny: Gabby, sorry to tell you this, but he is just using you to get to Xena.

Xena: I refused, remember?

Gabrielle: Yeah, sure, but you know you want him.

Xena: Are you sure that’s really Ares? It could be Joxer in disguise!

Gabrielle: Okay, time to change the subject. Anyone have henbane?


Ephiny: How’s he in bed?

Gabrielle: Quite impressive.

Xena: You two are sick! Is he really though?

Gabrielle: Yes.

Xena: Oh. I heard that guys with big muscles usually have small you-know-whats.

Gabrielle: Not my husband!

Ephiny: How big are his hands, you can tell by that.

Xena: I’ll bet if you cut off his you-know-what you’d slice off half of that really cute ass.

Gabrielle: Stop messing with me husband! You’re just jealous because he married me, not you!

Xena: I’d rather be married to a ball than to a man with that small of a you-know-what.

Gabrielle: Oh, is that why you are engaged to Joxer the "Mighty"? His dagger is not the only thing that’s abnormally small!

Xena: Newsflash! You’re not married to the actual God of War! Besides, if I were engaged to anyone besides Ares it would be the King of Thieves.

Gabrielle: Ephiny got her very own spoon for Solstice.

Xena: She must be so proud.

There. That wasn’t so bad, now was it? Okay, I know. It was pointless. But at least it was not a long story about absolutely nothing. It was a short story about absolutely nothing! We realize that it got a little… out of hand at the end, but at least it was not graphic details! What did you think? E-mail me(Gabrielle) at Xenafreak25@aol.com and tell me how bad it was! I will warn you, there may be more of these coming up soon!

Taiko's Scrolls of the Xenaverse